Ew. Go away. Lol :P
Uh oh. Here it comes. Impending doom. I can see the heartbreak already… And yet here I am, running headlong into it. Lord help me.
I’ve just realized that I don’t have to take this. I don’t have to be ok with mediocrity. I can change my life at any moment and stop being this person.
I’ve been struggling with myself and the ways that I’ve settled. I never want to be the person who settles. I’m not saying that I won’t accept my lot, but that I’m never going be ok with less than I deserve.
Things over the last few weeks have gotten really hard and have pushed me to my mental limits. I’ve cried myself to sleep too many nights and I’ve let myself be the person I don’t want to be. As much as I hate what’s happened, I’m thankful for it because it’s brought me to this point.
I don’t know if I’ve ever truly hit my rock bottom until now. I’ve flirted with it, gotten really close, but ultimately things began to look up before I actually had to make a real change. That’s not the case this time. This is the bottom and I’m thankful for it.
I don’t have to keep being this person. I don’t have to let this be all there is. I’ve always had delusions of grandeur and dreamed of more for myself and I’ve finally realized that this path that I’m on, this person that I am, is not going to get me there.
I can see so much better for myself. I can BE so much better than I am. There’s constantly that “well you’re young, you’ll grow into it, you have time” excuse and it’s held me back for so long. I’ve waited around passively for something to happen. I’ve figured that things will be better in a year or two. I’ve convinced myself that “when I’m 25 I’ll have it figured out” but fuck that. Fuck waiting for change. I’m going to be the change.
I can be smarter. I can be stronger. I can be healthier. I can be more independent. I can be more responsible. I can be so much more than I’m letting myself and dammit, I’m going to BE all of those things.
So here, right now, today, I’m changing. I’m actively going to work harder and be better because I’m not waiting for things to get better, I’m going to change them. I’m not accepting my situation anymore and hoping for the best.
This change means a lot of things for a lot of different people. It’s going to affect the people I love, my friends and my family most of all. But it’s also going to affect some of you whom I follow or follow me and have relationships with on here. I’m not completely deleting my social networks but I’m taking them off my phone and avoiding them for the most part. Tumblr, for sure, I am going to annex.
I’ve spent far too much of my life consumed with this site instead of interacting with friends or reading or working out or doing homework or paying attention in class. I’m giving up Tumblr because I’ve become addicted to it in a way that I’m no longer ok with. I may be back soon or I may be back later but I will be back at some point. I love what this site does for learning and connecting with people.
That being said, I’m going to check my messages one more time tomorrow. If you’d like to stay in contact with me via text or email send me a message and I’ll share those mediums with you. I’m not trying to cut people out of my life, just to get my life back in order.
I’m at the bottom but I’m feeling really hopeful. If prayer is something you’re inclined to do I’d kindly ask for your prayers through this journey. I know that I can’t do this alone and it’s going to take supernatural strength and the support of a lot of people to get me on my feet again but I fully believe it is possible.
Until we meet again…